1: using both hands with equal ease
2: unusually skillful : versatile
3: characterized by duplicity : double-dealing
Thinking about a versatile and "double-dealing" life in France, I thought about the American ex-pats I met in France that seemed to be living 'ambidextrous' lives, staying American and marrying into French culture.
Through a few mutual friends, I met a young couple that had been married for about a year. He was American and she was French, and for the most part they spoke French together, since almost everyone else we knew was French. What was interesting, though, was when they disagreed on something or started to bicker, he would switch to English and she would speak French faster. They were both fluent in both languages, but I couldn't help but think that this was their way of "fighting dirty," pointing out something they did better than the other, and something they would always be the best at.
My American advisor met her husband when she was doing graduate work in France, and they married and had two children. Per our program rules, we were only supposed to speak French with her, but she did tell me that she tried to speak English at home with her children so they would grow up bilingual. They were about 10 and 14, and she said that they had suddenly become very disinterested in learning English. She would speak to them in English, and they would reply in French. When they brought friends home from school, they would beg her not to speak any English or would try to avoid her. She said she wasn't sure if it was just because she was their mom, because she was American, or some combination of both that made it too embarassing for them to try to explain to their friends.
Falling in love with France, my friends and I talked about how 'easy' it would be if we could just get married and stay there forever. It seemed like a nice thought (one I still think about, I admit), but I wonder how much harder it would be to marry someone with a different language and culture, even if I considered myself to be appreciative of the culture and proficient in the language. Would there always be barriers and differences? Could I ever completely absorb a new culture? Just like writing with my left hand, I imagine living in a new culture is something I could do, but it would always be a little wobbly and illegible.
2: unusually skillful : versatile
3: characterized by duplicity : double-dealing
Thinking about a versatile and "double-dealing" life in France, I thought about the American ex-pats I met in France that seemed to be living 'ambidextrous' lives, staying American and marrying into French culture.
Through a few mutual friends, I met a young couple that had been married for about a year. He was American and she was French, and for the most part they spoke French together, since almost everyone else we knew was French. What was interesting, though, was when they disagreed on something or started to bicker, he would switch to English and she would speak French faster. They were both fluent in both languages, but I couldn't help but think that this was their way of "fighting dirty," pointing out something they did better than the other, and something they would always be the best at.
My American advisor met her husband when she was doing graduate work in France, and they married and had two children. Per our program rules, we were only supposed to speak French with her, but she did tell me that she tried to speak English at home with her children so they would grow up bilingual. They were about 10 and 14, and she said that they had suddenly become very disinterested in learning English. She would speak to them in English, and they would reply in French. When they brought friends home from school, they would beg her not to speak any English or would try to avoid her. She said she wasn't sure if it was just because she was their mom, because she was American, or some combination of both that made it too embarassing for them to try to explain to their friends.
Falling in love with France, my friends and I talked about how 'easy' it would be if we could just get married and stay there forever. It seemed like a nice thought (one I still think about, I admit), but I wonder how much harder it would be to marry someone with a different language and culture, even if I considered myself to be appreciative of the culture and proficient in the language. Would there always be barriers and differences? Could I ever completely absorb a new culture? Just like writing with my left hand, I imagine living in a new culture is something I could do, but it would always be a little wobbly and illegible.
That is kind of interesting that your teacher's children didn't want to speak in English despite the fact that, I assume, they are half American. Do the French youth in general look upon America with disdain?
ReplyDeleteI had very different responses to being American, but for the most part, French people thought it was really "cool" that I was American, and wanted to know about where I lived, where I'd been in the US, etc. Of course, they definitely thought my friends from New York were far more interesting than I was...
DeleteAdvertising in France also used lots of English words, and I guess it was trying to capitalize on the American cool factor. (And I'm assuming they were thinking American, as I heard plenty about how much they didn't like the British)
Sara,
ReplyDeleteI really like your take on this topic. I also have had friends and old teachers who have married someone of another nationality and I have always wondered if there is maybe a level they don't ever get to in comparison to people of the same culture. I'm not quite sure why, but it somewhat humored me when you mentioned that the couple you knew that had only been married about a year would argue in their native language because I would assume I'd do the same. Not even so much really on a level of trying to maybe "one-up" the other person or try to get by with saying something that may not be taken the right way, but just for the fact that I would only find it natural to revert back to my native language.
As for the kids that didn't want to speak English, I find that somewhat odd also. I could maybe see kids doing that when they are younger but when they get older, they should understand how helpful it is to know any other language, especially English. Most students start taking English in France from a young age in school so I kind of find that whole idea surprising.
I think anyone who has studied a language, as well as visited or lived in another country, always has a little dream of finding someone there and staying forever. I know I have. I have to somewhat agree with your questions though. How long would it take, if ever, for me to feel truly "comfortable" there, or would that ever happen?
Great post!
I think that both the couple and the children were trying to "rebel" against their second culture. The American/French adults were going to argue in their native language and not 'give in' to the other language/culture/person, and the children raised in France were going to rebel against their mother's American culture by not speaking English. I know when I was 13, I'd do anything to annoy my mom...
DeleteI think in the case where children are exposed to several languages, it will be beneficial for each parent to speak a language with them. For instance the dad can speak French with children whiles the Mom speaks English. This will enable the child to be bilingual. This will prepare the children to get ready for the competitive world we live in and will definitely set them apart.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend that married a Dutch man, and she had an extremely hard time, the first few years, trying to adapt to new customs! He had a seriously hard time getting used to the "legalism" of the US and she had a hard time getting used to the "everything goes" mentality of the dutch culture. They are in their mid 60's now, and still making it work!
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteInteresting take on this topic!
When I first considered the couple reverting back to their respective native languages during arguments, I didn't even think about it being a subversive way to one-up each other. I saw it more of a reversal of their linguistic "ambidexterity." It can be harder to converse coherently in a foreign language if you're truly worked up about something (of course, it can also get easier if you really want to get your point across...you might be able to "let go" and speak a little easier, even in your non-native language, if you've really got something heavy to say). That's a good point though, that it can also be a way to "fight dirty."
I'm also intrigued by the kids almost wanting to distance themselves from half of their heritage. As Randi pointed out, a lot of kids in France a least take English classes in school. I could understand the kids no wanting to speak English around their friends, but suddenly rejecting it all together is the strange part to me.
I think this kind of ambidexterity, bringing two different cultures together, especially on such a personal level that impacts every part of one's life, takes a lot of work. You've really touched on this well with the examples you gave. It seems like moments of moving away from embracing both languages comes in more negative moments. Do you think this is a general trend, or could there be positive motivators as well?
Sara,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely believe that there will always be barriers and distances in relationships between people from different countries, just as there will always be benefits and advantages that mono-cultural couples don't enjoy. People are a product of culture, so misunderstandings will inevitably arise when two people with fundamentally different ways of looking at the world become involved. That's not to say I'm against it, but I don't think it's anything to be taken lightly or glossed over as easy and fun. Relationships are difficult even between two people from the same culture. Cross-cultural relationships just add another layer of complexity. I suppose what happens with successful cross-culture relationships is that a sort of third culture arises in which the the couple --and their kids if there are any -- find common ground. The question is, how? What steps can cross-cultural couples take to improve their chances for long-term success?
As for your advisor's kids, their behavior seems typical. I've certainly second-generation immigrant children who replied to their parents in English even though they understand the native language. It seems to be something that just inevitably happens to the children of immigrants. Maybe it arises from the desire not to be different, to belong to the dominant culture. People from mixed backgrounds seem to experience a lot of distress about their divided identities. If I were the mom, though, I would feel sad that my kids didn't want to speak English. I think would feel rejected because the English language is an inextricable part of my identity.